At the beginning of a lifetime, the infant forms its first relationship with its mother.  The quality of this initial human bond will profoundly influence the nature of the child’s subsequent relationships.

This assertion is a central tenet of the school of psychology known as attachment theory.  This theory was formulated by John Bowlby, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst.

Subsequent observational research on infants and mothers established four distinct patterns of attachment:  secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized.  Long term follow up study of these infants validated the predictive value of their mode of attachment to their mothers, with regard to the quality of their relationships in later life.

Trauma and neglect are the two most powerful forces leading to disturbances in attachment.  Another significant determinant of the infant’s mode of attachment is the mother’s own early life attachment history.  This influence undoubtedly accounts for a great deal of transgenerational transmission of trauma.

Environmental influences, however important, are never the whole story, where human development is concerned.  Genetic factors may render an infant more or less vulnerable to the effects of early parenting.

Most people seek psychotherapy due to suffering caused by their relationships with others, and/or with themselves.  The most important healing influence in psychotherapy is the experience of a healthy, trusting relationship.  This environment provides the patient with a “secure base”.  This safe haven offers the freedom and engenders the courage for a person to explore and to expand the realms of relationships with others and with the self.  The medium of this secure base is the emotional bond between patient and therapist.  In therapy as in life, people don’t care what you know unless they first know that you care.

1.  Sincerity

Sincerity is honesty about yourself and your motivations.  Words and deeds must be congruent with your inmost sentiments.  Your words must be supported by your actions.

Approach the other with openness to the spontaneity of each moment. Allow yourself to be guided by the reality of shared experiences. Do not get attached to a preconceived outcome. Healthy relationships are co-created by both individuals.

2.  Commitment

Commitment provides the “container” within which a relationship can flourish.  Containment in a relationship offers the safety necessary for intimacy. Two people in a committed relationship must hold together with “sublimity, constancy and perseverance.” *

3.  Cherishing The Other

“Cherishing the self is the cause of all suffering.  Cherishing the other is the source of all happiness.” **

Like all dichotomies, this statement is a partial truth.  Positive self regard is a prerequisite for a healthy relationship with others.  However, being “full of oneself” precludes any genuine experience of relatedness.  Love is contingent on the capacity to derive the greatest happiness from the happiness of the other. “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ***

4.  Mutual Respect

Physical attraction, liking and loving will wax and wane in all relationships.  Mutual respect is a bedrock that will sustain your relationship through thick and thin. I recently had the pleasure of witnessing my niece’s wedding. Both she and her fiancé vowed to support the other’s expression of their respective values. The couple’s respect for one another was palpable and deeply moving.

5.  Balance Between Autonomy and Mutuality

This balance is a dance between preserving your identity as an individual and accommodating your mate as a full partner.  An excessive devotion to “self actualization” at all cost will kill a relationship.  On the other extreme, giving oneself over to an intense longing for “merger” with the other will either drive your partner away, or if the longing is reciprocal, will create an unhealthy codependency.

Ayya Khema is a German Jew who became a Buddhist nun. She has written a beautiful autobiography called “I Give You My Life.” In a talk, she identified the “near enemy” and the “far enemy” of love. The far enemy of love is hatred. The near enemy of love is attachment. Needy clinging precludes any possibility for mature love.

6.  Good Communication

Good communication is the key to success in any relationship.  One must be open to speaking and hearing the truth, to and from the other.  Safety is a prerequisite for good communication.  Both partners must be able to listen without defensiveness and to speak without hostility. Genuinely listen. Don’t plan what to say next while you are trying to listen. Listen with your ears and with your heart. “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye” **** (and inaudible to the ear).

7.  Space

“A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude …

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!” *****

Notes:

*The I Ching, Hexagram 8, Holding Together
Wilhelm/Baynes Edition, Princeton University Press, 1967

**Santideva
8th Century Indian Buddhist Scholar.

***Lao Tse

****Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince
Harcourt, 1943

*****Rainer Maria Rilke
Rilke On Love and other Difficulties
John Mood, Editor. Norton, 1975, p. 28

Dr. John Deri’s next Blog Talk Radio Show: Healthy Mind and Body will be on Wednesday, November 11, 2009 from 8-8:30 PM PST.

The topic of the episode will be:  How To Identify And To Deal With Emotional Trauma

Emotional trauma can impact and alter all aspects of your life. Trauma tends to constrict our patterns of behavior and ways of being in the world. How a person manifests the effects of emotional trauma varies widely. The same trauma can produce very different effects from person to person.

When you learn how to identify and to deal with emotional trauma, you will be able to form better relationships. Healing the wounds of trauma will help you to overcome addictions, panic attacks, depression and anxiety.

Dr. Deri will share with us:

➢    The definition and causes of emotional trauma
➢    The emotional effects of trauma
➢    The physical impact of trauma
➢    How to heal from trauma

To listen to the show you can:

1.    Dial the phone in telephone number at (347) 989-0560

OR

2.    Tune in to our online channel at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Healthy-Mind-Body

Dr. John Deri’s next Blog Talk Radio Show: Healthy Mind and Body will be on Wednesday, November 4, 2009 from 8-8:30 PM PST.

The topic of the episode will be:  What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Relationships can be one of the best — and most challenging — parts of your life. They can be filled with excitement, fun, adventure, love, intense feelings, and occasional challenges. Healthy relationships bring happiness and health to our lives. Studies show that people with healthy relationships really do have more happiness and less stress.

During the Show, Dr. Deri will discuss the 7 qualities of healthy relationships. Join us and learn more about how the following qualities can contribute to a “Healthy Relationship”:

➢    Sincerity
➢    Commitment
➢    Cherishing the other
➢    Mutual Respect
➢    Balance Between Autonomy and Mutuality
➢    Good Communication
➢    Space

To listen to the show you can:

1.    Dial the phone in telephone number at (347) 989-0560

OR

2.    Tune in to our online channel at http://tinyurl.com/DrJohnDeriBlogTalkRadioShow

This relational template of abuser and abused gets endlessly replayed throughout the life of the trauma survivor. He alternately plays the role of the abuser or the abused. The complementary role is projected onto his partner. For example, a patient of mine was habitually put out in the backyard, whenever he cried as an infant. In his adult life, he was perennially absent to his wife and children, due to workaholism and alcoholism. He unconsciously abandoned them, much as he himself had been abandoned.

Become conscious of the role that you play
In order to heal wounds, it is necessary for the survivor to become conscious of her potential for playing both roles: the abuser and the abused. This process of discovery unfolds within the psychotherapy relationship. The patient’s early life trauma is unconsciously reenacted and reexperienced in her mode of relating to the therapist. The therapist, over time, becomes conscious of the congruence of the dynamics of the therapy relationship with the structure of the patient’s original traumatic life experience. This awareness can gradually, tactfully be shared with the patient. The past comes to life through a vivid, emotionally charged experience in the present.

Healing can occur only when one becomes conscious of one’s own shadow side (the dark side of one’s personality). As Carl Jung wrote, “Enlightenment [or healing] occurs not through envisioning figures of light, but through making the darkness conscious.”

This process can occur only through relationship. Examine your current relationships from the vantage point of your early life experience. As George Santayana wrote, “Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.” Try to discern the ways in which you are recreating and reliving the past in the present. “Then you will know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” (John 8:32).