Archive for the ‘Psyche’ Category
Blog Talk Radio Show: How Does Psychotherapy Heal?
Dr. John Deri’s next Blog Talk Radio Show: Healthy Mind and Body will be on Wednesday, January 6, 2010 from 8-8:30 PM PDT.
The topic of the episode will be: How Does Psychotherapy Heal?
Psychotherapy is a wellspring for new beginnings. At the beginning of a lifetime, the infant forms its first relationship with its mother. The quality of this first human bond will profoundly influence the nature of the child’s subsequent relationships. This assertion is a central tenet of the school of psychology known as attachment theory.
During the Blog Talk Radio Show Dr. Deri will discuss:
(1) The four distinct patterns of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized.
(2) The effect of an infant’s mode of attachment to its mother on the quality of that individual’s subsequent relationships.
(3) How trauma and neglect lead to disturbances in attachment.
(4) How the mother’s own early life attachment history serves as a medium for the transgenerational transmission of trauma.
(5) How does psychotherapy heal?
To listen to the show you can:
Dial the phone in telephone number at (347) 989-0560
OR
Tune in to our online channel at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Healthy-Mind-Body
How Does Psychotherapy Heal?
As we enter a new year, I am thinking of psychotherapy as a wellspring for new beginnings.
At the beginning of a lifetime, the infant forms its first relationship with its mother. The quality of this initial human bond will profoundly influence the nature of the child’s subsequent relationships.
This assertion is a central tenet of the school of psychology known as attachment theory. This theory was formulated by John Bowlby, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst.
Subsequent observational research on infants and mothers established four distinct patterns of attachment: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. Long term follow up study of these infants validated the predictive value of their mode of attachment to their mothers, with regard to the quality of their relationships in later life.
Trauma and neglect are the two most powerful forces leading to disturbances in attachment. Another significant determinant of the infant’s mode of attachment is the mother’s own early life attachment history. This influence undoubtedly accounts for a great deal of transgenerational transmission of trauma.
Environmental influences, however important, are never the whole story, where human development is concerned. Genetic factors may render an infant more or less vulnerable to the effects of early parenting.
Most people seek psychotherapy due to suffering caused by their relationships with others, and/or with themselves. The most important healing influence in psychotherapy is the experience of a healthy, trusting relationship. This environment provides the patient with a “secure base”. This safe haven offers the freedom and engenders the courage for a person to explore and to expand the realms of relationships with others and with the self. The medium of this secure base is the emotional bond between patient and therapist. In therapy as in life, people don’t care what you know unless they first know that you care.
The Outer World Is a Projection of Our Own Mind
Our outer experience is a mirror of our inner world. Our internal emotional “weather” will invariable provide an accurate forecast for outer conditions. As Norman Vincent Peale wrote,
“If you have zest and enthusiasm, you attract zest and enthusiasm. Life does give back in kind.”
Our most characteristic moods are a residue of our early life experience. People who experienced abuse, neglect or emotional deprivation tend to be sad and in low spirits. This low energy vibration will tend to attract others who themselves are vibrating at the same low frequency. As a result, our early life experience is perpetuated in present time. We take these conditions to be “reality”. The world seems to be populated by wounded, downbeat needy people.
Living in such a world is demoralizing. Life becomes “stale, flat and unprofitable.” Under such conditions suicide may become an increasingly compelling option.
It is vitally important to recognize that the outer world is nothing other than the projection of our own mind. “Reality” is a highly subjective construction, “like a dream, like an illusion” (Milarepa 11th Century Tibetan Yogi). Once we grasp this truth we can change our world by transforming our mind.
How to Transform Your Mind
1. First, you must become aware of your current state of mind. Keep a journal of your recurring thoughts and feelings.
2. As you identify characteristic negative thoughts, train yourself to “stop!” every time you notice such a thought occurring in your mind stream. Replace the negative thought with a positive thought, or affirmation (self statement).
3. Look at yourself in a mirror. Do you see a scowling face looking back at you? Make a conscious effort to change your facial expressions. Make it a practice to smile at people. You will be amazed at how powerfully a smile evokes a responsive smile from others.
4. Open your heart. Make genuine positive emotional connections with as many people as possible. Raise your emotional state from sullenness to love and compassion. You will be responded to in kind.
5. For those of you who are open to visualization, try the following experiment:
Visualize your crown chakra* (at the crown of your head) glowing at a bright, gold color. This corresponds to the highest frequency of emotional vibration. With practice, you can learn to transform yourself and your experience using this technique.
If life is “like a dream,” make it a happy one! Learn how to liberate yourself from the nightmare of bitterness and sorrow.
Please feel free to let me know how you are doing. If you need some help along the way, I would be delighted to assist you.
*Chakras are energy centers. They are considered to be the focal points for the reception and transmission of energies. Seven major chakras or energy centers are generally believed to exist, located within the subtle body.
Blog Talk Radio Show: The Shadow Side of Human Nature
Dr. John Deri’s next Blog Talk Radio Show: Healthy Mind and Body will be on Wednesday, November 18, 2009 from 8-8:30 PM PDT.
The topic of the episode will be: The Shadow Side of Human Nature
“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” (Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion, p.131).
All too often, we turn a blind eye to the shadow side of human nature. It is only with an enormous effort that we can acknowledge this side of ourselves. In the context of trauma, we invariably have to deal with a considerably intensified shadow. If such a person wants to be cured, it is necessary to find a way in which his conscious personality and his shadow can live together.
On Wednesday, November 18th at 8 PM PDT, Dr. John Deri will share with us:
➢ Why we turn a blind eye to our shadow side
➢ How we become aware of our shadow side
➢ How to integrate our shadow side
To listen to the show you can:
Dial the phone in telephone number at (347) 989-0560
OR
Tune in to our online channel at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Healthy-Mind-Body
7 Qualities of a Healthy Relationship
Relationships can be the source of the greatest joy and the most intense suffering in life. While there is no prescription for success, there are some qualities that need to be present in a relationship to make it work.
1. Sincerity
Sincerity is honesty about yourself and your motivations. Words and deeds must be congruent with your inmost sentiments. Your words must be supported by your actions.
Approach the other with openness to the spontaneity of each moment. Allow yourself to be guided by the reality of shared experiences. Do not get attached to a preconceived outcome. Healthy relationships are co-created by both individuals.
2. Commitment
Commitment provides the “container” within which a relationship can flourish. Containment in a relationship offers the safety necessary for intimacy. Two people in a committed relationship must hold together with “sublimity, constancy and perseverance.” *
3. Cherishing The Other
“Cherishing the self is the cause of all suffering. Cherishing the other is the source of all happiness.” **
Like all dichotomies, this statement is a partial truth. Positive self regard is a prerequisite for a healthy relationship with others. However, being “full of oneself” precludes any genuine experience of relatedness. Love is contingent on the capacity to derive the greatest happiness from the happiness of the other. “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” ***
4. Mutual Respect
Physical attraction, liking and loving will wax and wane in all relationships. Mutual respect is a bedrock that will sustain your relationship through thick and thin. I recently had the pleasure of witnessing my niece’s wedding. Both she and her fiancé vowed to support the other’s expression of their respective values. The couple’s respect for one another was palpable and deeply moving.
5. Balance Between Autonomy and Mutuality
This balance is a dance between preserving your identity as an individual and accommodating your mate as a full partner. An excessive devotion to “self actualization” at all cost will kill a relationship. On the other extreme, giving oneself over to an intense longing for “merger” with the other will either drive your partner away, or if the longing is reciprocal, will create an unhealthy codependency.
Ayya Khema is a German Jew who became a Buddhist nun. She has written a beautiful autobiography called “I Give You My Life.” In a talk, she identified the “near enemy” and the “far enemy” of love. The far enemy of love is hatred. The near enemy of love is attachment. Needy clinging precludes any possibility for mature love.
6. Good Communication
Good communication is the key to success in any relationship. One must be open to speaking and hearing the truth, to and from the other. Safety is a prerequisite for good communication. Both partners must be able to listen without defensiveness and to speak without hostility. Genuinely listen. Don’t plan what to say next while you are trying to listen. Listen with your ears and with your heart. “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye” **** (and inaudible to the ear).
7. Space
“A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude …
“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!” *****
Notes:
*The I Ching, Hexagram 8, Holding Together
Wilhelm/Baynes Edition, Princeton University Press, 1967
**Santideva
8th Century Indian Buddhist Scholar.
***Lao Tse
****Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince
Harcourt, 1943
*****Rainer Maria Rilke
Rilke On Love and other Difficulties
John Mood, Editor. Norton, 1975, p. 28
Blog Talk Radio Show: Are you unemployed and stressed?
Dr. John Deri’s next Blog Talk Radio Show: Healthy Mind and Body will be on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 from 8-8:30 PM PST.
The topic of the episode will be: How to Cope with the Stress of Unemployment
Unemployed people tend to withdraw from others – social isolation results in depression and anxiety. Unemployment is not simply experienced as an adverse outcome of a weakened economy, but rather is felt to be a sign of personal inadequacy. Shame is a further complicating factor. It tends to cause a person to hide from others. Social withdrawal compounds the stress of unemployment, resulting in worsening depression and anxiety. A downward spiral happens: progressive loss of energy and demoralization can develop into near total paralysis.
During the show Dr. Deri will share how the following steps can help you to cope with the stress of unemployment:
➢ Maintain your social life
➢ Schedule your time wisely
➢ Be flexible – relax your grip on your “identity”
➢ Deepen your spiritual life
➢ Ask for help if you need it
To listen to the show you can:
1. Dial the phone in telephone number at (347) 989-0560
OR
2. Tune in to our online channel at http://tinyurl.com/DrJohnDeriBlogTalkRadioShow
Blog Talk Radio Show: Healthy Mind and Body
I would like to announce the creation of a new Blog Talk Radio Show: Healthy Mind and Body. The programs will cover all aspects of life, from health and spirituality to relationships and finance. There will be a particular focus on the healing process, as it relates to depression, anxiety and recovery from trauma. Please tune in to the Healthy Mind and Body Radio Show, every Wednesday at 8 PM PST, starting on 10/21/09.
The topic of the initial episode will be: How to Stay Calm in an Age of Anxiety.
Join me on Wednesday, October 21, 2009 at 8 PM PST and learn:
➢ Why “healthy anxiety” can help you to move forward in your life
➢ How to identify when anxiety overwhelms and paralyzes us
➢ The long term mental and physical consequences of anxiety and stress
➢ Six steps to implement that will help you to reduce anxiety
➢ Spiritual dimensions of overcoming anxiety will be highlighted
For more information, including a phone in telephone number, please visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Healthy-Mind-Body
How to Cope with the Stress of Unemployment
We are living in an era of a rate of unemployment that is persistently high. Nearly unprecedented numbers of people have been without work for six months or more. In our highly mobile society, families are often widely scattered geographically. People who have been laid off, and have not been able to find work, are experiencing a potentially toxic combination of survival fear and separation anxiety. There is a simultaneous lack of financial resources and social support
Unemployed people tend to withdraw from others – social isolation results in depression and anxiety
Unemployment is not simply experienced as an adverse outcome of a weakened economy, but rather is felt to be a sign of personal inadequacy. Shame is a further complicating factor. It tends to cause a person to hide from others. Social withdrawal compounds the stress of unemployment, resulting in worsening depression and anxiety. These emotional states further compromise an individual’s capacity to cope adaptively with their situation. A downward spiral happens: progressive loss of energy and demoralization can develop into near total paralysis.
Six steps to implement to cope with unemployment:
➢ Devise a program of regular physical activity
Spend at least 30 minutes per day engaged in vigorous aerobic exercise. Physical activity has numerous physiological effects, including but not limited to the release of endorphins, all of which are potent mood elevators, anxiety reducers and energy enhancers. You will find that physical movement stimulates movement in your mind. You will see possibilities and create opportunities that you would never have had the energy to envision while in a state of inactivity. Moreover, daily physical activity will promote sound sleep, so essential for effective functioning.
➢ Maintain your social life
Fight the impulse to withdraw into seclusion. On a practical level, remaining in touch with others is necessary for networking. On an emotional level, contact with others provides a vital experience of nurturance. You will feel held in the literal and figurative embrace of your friends and family. Your needs, physical, emotional and spiritual, will not be met unless you express them to others. “Ask, and ye shall receive.”
➢ Schedule your time
Without the built in structure of regular employment, there are two dangers: succumbing to total paralysis on the one hand, or engaging in ceaseless, frantic activity on the other. Neither of these modes of living will serve you. Schedule defined blocks of time each day for activities related to your job search. Equally importantly, schedule “down time” each day for rest, relaxation and recreation. Feeling guilty about taking time off from your job hunt can cause you to run your engines at full thrust throughout each day. This is a sure prescription for burn out and exhaustion.
➢ Be flexible
In our society, we tend to cling to an occupationally defined identity: “I am a doctor, lawyer, etc.” Relax your grip on your “identity.” Reflect more broadly on your values, your ideals and your purpose in life. How might you manifest these in new ways? What is your underlying motivation in living your life? How might you express this in the world?
➢ Deepen your spiritual life
Do you find your spiritual home in an organized religion? If not there, then where? Find or create your own spiritual practice. This can be a form of meditation, body or energy work, service to others, communion with nature: the possibilities are endless. Experiencing a connection with a reality larger than yourself will help you to transcend the illusion of a unitary “self.” Achieving this transcendent state of being will dissolve your tension and anxieties, freeing you to live your live to your full potential. Faith will displace despair. Inspiration will replace paralysis.
➢ Ask for help if you need it
The stressor of unemployment has the potential to trigger and to amplify anxieties of days gone by. This amplification phenomenon can result in levels of anxiety or depression that may not respond fully to the coping strategies that have been described. If you are troubled by your life circumstances, and want to find your rightful place in the “infinity of being,” I would be delighted to communicate with you.
How to Be Delivered to the Promised Land of Vibrant Life
The secret is to get out of your “Comfort Zone”. 
All human beings seek a balance in life between safety and novelty. Clinging to the known, the familiar, is to live within our comfort zone. Opening the door to new experiences requires a willingness to move beyond our comfort zone.
One of the reasons why people are hesitant to move out of their comfort zone is because of early life trauma. Trauma can cause chronic anxiety. This anxiety can inhibit our openness to new experiences. We cling to the known, the familiar, even if this means living in psychological pain. Compulsive repetition of routines can drain life of its sense of adventure. New adventures in your life will enhance your energy and lift your spirits.
Another reason why people are hesitant to move out of their comfort zone is because of fear of the unknown. This fear can cause us to raise the drawbridge, and to retreat within a “fortress self.” In the extreme, life can become a self-imposed sentence of solitary confinement.
To be delivered to the promised land of vibrant life, it is necessary to get out of your comfort zone. As T.S. Eliot wrote, in his poem East Coker:
In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
How to Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone
➢ If you are introverted, seek out the company of others.
➢ If you are extraverted, give yourself the gift of solitude.
➢ If you are active, dedicate some time to rest and reflection.
➢ If you are inactive, engage in some physical activities.
➢ Alter your routines. If you are an evening person, try getting up earlier in the morning (and vice versa).
Novelty literally “perks up” the brain. Sameness puts the brain into a state like “sleep” mode on your computer. Waking up and opening up to new experiences is to feel fully alive. Getting out of your comfort zone will free you from the bondage of repetition compulsion, and deliver you to the Promised Land of vibrant life.
How to Overcome Your Fear of Success
Why do we so often trip ourselves up just before the finish line? Why is the prospect of success so often filled with anxiety? Success would seem to be an absolute satisfaction.
I am currently attending the 24th Annual Conference of the Association of Applied Sport Psychology, in Salt Lake City. At a workshop today on Long Term Consulting with Elite Athletes, Dr. Gloria Balague, a sport psychologist at the University of Illinois at Chicago, discussed the psychological consequences of winning. All too often, winning an Olympic gold medal is an occasion for psychic pain. Despite the fleeting joy of achieving the dream of a lifetime, the athlete is prone to become anxious and depressed. “Winning the gold” separates her from her teammates and from her larger community of athletes. She becomes the target of the envy of others.
This phenomenon is universal. Winning, or succeeding, can leave a person feeling alone and exposed, separated from “the herd.” An unconscious awareness of this price to be paid can powerfully inhibit a person from manifesting his full potential. This dynamic is expressed in the common saying in basic training: “Don’t stand out!”
Within the context of a person’s family of origin, the prospect of succeeding often triggers the unconscious fear of surpassing a parent or a sibling. The human psyche is inherently conservative. It will always strive to maintain continuity with the past. Succeeding is a way of manifesting one’s individuality. Becoming one’s own person is inextricably interwoven with the experience of separation from others.
Our “inner child” is afraid to feel separate. To feel separate is to feel alone, from the child’s perspective. People who had anxious or frankly traumatic relationships with their parents have a heightened fear of separateness in later life. Success exacerbates this fear.
How to Overcome Your Fear
➢ The best way to overcome separation anxiety, and the fear of success, is to cultivate close relationships with others.
➢ Security starts within the self. We must develop the capacity to “tune in” to our own inner child, to hold and to comfort her. Only then can we approach others based on love rather than from need.
➢ Loving relationships foster the experience of mutuality. With sufficient mutuality in our close relationships, we can risk asserting our independence.
➢ Mutuality and independence come to be experienced as reciprocally complementary, rather than in conflict with one another.
➢ As a result, we can bear the “risk” of succeeding. We can stand out without undue fear of separation, loss or retribution.
If you are feeling too frightened to complete this journey, psychotherapy can provide a safe space within which you can experience, explore and ultimately overcome your fear of success.